Essay: Octobre 07
Tolerance, Disinterest and Fetish
Sind wir tolerant wenn es um Sexualität geht? Ja, aber nur den anderen gegenüber.
von Rio
In modern European, Western civilizations it is hip to be open minded and tolerant. The intellectual middle-class person, who buys in the next health-food store, who drinks Latte Macchiato and who prefers his rucola just with a few drops of olive oil and balsamic, likes to coquette with intercultural understanding and his cosmopolitanism. He dislikes so called "conservatives" with their stubborn and maybe even racist attitudes. He does not like people, who agitate against homosexuals or who think, that everything but inner marital sexual intercourse in a dark sleeping room, is perverted. A good person does not mind gays, a good person fills his sexual life with variety. So far, so good.
The described person is, of course, pure cliché and stereotype thinking. A person as described does not exist in the real world. But very often it is not possible, to avoid these escapist clichés. Stereotypes relate to real people, like maps to the real landscape. They are neither identical nor comparable. They are two complete different things, but they do help for orientation.
The specified person is often lampooned as do-gooder or left bourgeois. Still these people are the most advanced group within society. In relation to modernity and tolerance, they are the measure of all things. They define what tolerance is, how far it reaches and what is antiquated. The "measure of all things" itself, is seldom questioned. Most people are too busy with the tolerance of other people, that they hardly question themselves. Tolerance remained in mostly a one-way road. People are tolerant towards others, but do not reveal anything from themselves. There are millions of receivers, but just a few senders. An example: Many accept depression as a real disease, but in few cases they reveal, that they were affected by it. Another example: Every person has a sexual fantasy or fetish (in the meaning of soft spot or preference). Most accept people who live it out, but would never talk openly about their own. Most sexual wishes are intimate and are just shared -if at all- with the sexual partner. Even that is still more exception than regular practice.
Very often partners hold their own sexual wishes back, because they afraid of embarrassing themselves or because they are afraid of chasing away their beloved partner. But tolerance can be demanded. No sexual wish is ridiculous. A person that loves you, will understand your sexual wishes. Sexuality is a fixed part of your whole personality. It is always there, even if you cannot see it sometimes. This means, that a person who learned to love for your personality, will probably understand your preferences. Sexual conceptions are nothing more but the logic continuation of your personality. If somebody cannot get along with your sexual fantasies, you should rethink and check, if there is real love involved.
At least when you are in a serious relationship, it should show if you or your partner is capable of real tolerance. In a confrontation both sides need to deal with the sexual wishes of their partners and with their own. Most people confuse tolerance and disinterest. In a relationship it is impossible to be disinterested. As soon as one partner is disinterested, the love is gone. Who is disinterested, does not need to be tolerant. If you are disinterested, it shows that you have given up. You simply do not care anymore. To be disinterested, means to be become passive. To be passive, means to become irresponsible and to lose control. Disinterested people do not change themselves nor society.
Tolerance requires having an opinion and a point of view. Tolerance is the ability to get along with somebody, who has a different opinion and point of view. Tolerant people are active. They work on themselves and society at the same time.
In practice that means, to improve yourself and society, you have to reveal something from yourself. Something that feels uncomfortable when you speak it out. Something that you consider a weakness. Just when you reveal these supposed weaknesses, you can change them into strengths. As soon as you reveal your weakness, you have to start dealing with it. Who shows his weakness, has to become stronger. The more often you speak about your preferences, the more "normal" they will become for you. Some people will not have any understanding for it, but most will admire and respect you. They will be in awe, because you do something, which they do not dare. It will become more and more easy to talk about it. The more normal you can talk about, the more normal other people will receipt it. The chances of finding a partner with whom you can experience your fantasies will rise a lot. The free speaking about your preferences will change your own view and of your fellow human beings. This way you can bring your fantasy into reality and reality is always different than fantasy. Usually it is even very different and often better, than you think.
Please send your positive and constructive comments to me: rio@stiefelstudenten.de
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